Church.

so it's 1:23 am and i'm stillllll awake despite Daddy and Bebe being asleep.... *sigh*.
my brain doesn't have an emergency shut off switch. i should see about installing one.
AAAAanyways, i've been contemplating church lately. for about the last year or so. before getting seriously burned at the previous one [spiritually third degree, people!] i was a happy little Christian kidlet, that is, except for those few rebellious years fresh outta Bible college. Then came DL. Good until we realized that it was .... erm... questionable in terms of how it was run, the basis of its beliefs, etc. God told us to go, so we went, and our names have been mud in that circle ever since. nevertheless, we picked ourselves up, nursed the wounds, and found a good home church again. We dove in head first, worked with youth, worship, etc. and were loving it until i got pregnant, which of itself was amazing, but not so great in terms of availability and usefulness to others. i was SIIIICK in my first trimester, oh Lord, it was horrible! then came the bed rest, the high blood pressure, the spotting... you get the drift. i had to cut back on many things, like youth and helping with the various things i attended to. that's when i noticed the things that i really feel guilty about noticing, like the way that people stopped calling since i couldn't be of use to them anymore, and how i was more and more isolated since vomiting is generally not loved by the masses. lol. given that we lived in the basement suite of the youth pastor and they barely spoke to us, it was kind of a kick in the pants. but i've tried my best to understand. none of them have an obligation to me, in any way, shape or form. i just thought we were friends. that's all.
... even just writing this blog will probably land me in the bad books of said people, but i just am to the point of not caring anymore what people think of me. is that bad? should i be living with the fear of that which i feel isn't valid and shouldn't be uttered? what happened the last time i was honest with church, was so bloody painful i can't do that again. i just don't know what to do. do i soldier on? become more available to serve again so that i have more friends, even though its only superficial? or do i try as i have, to make like a duck and let it all roll off, trying not to feel the sting of rejection and just keep swimming, just keep swimming... i just wish that they had been there for me when i was in the hospital for that month, that they'd have visited just that once. that they'd been a true friend to me, mainly because that's what i was lead to believe that it was. i guess my heart just hurts from putting it out there so much. should i just stop?
i've been told that when Christians feel this way, they need to check their hearts and reevaluate themselves. is that really always the case? the church is the only place where i've seen excessive abuses tolerated under the heading of sacrifice and servitude, where the abused is made to be in the wrong if they don't continue to allow people to suck dry every last ounce of energy and sanity... but that might just be my prerogative on it too...
i just don't know. i'm not getting fed there, either. not in worship anyways. ohhh how i miss a good worship set where God's presence is so thick, its tangible... i have tried my heart out to give a "sacrifice of praise" every Sunday, but its been years of it and it just has worn me out! i know there will be some who read and just think that i'm being a spoiled brat, a divisive influence, etc. but that genuinely is not my heart!!!!!!!!i feel guilty for my consumeristic attitude too! aaack. but its just not working anymore. i don't even want to get out of bed on Sunday mornings.
and i don't have a solution.
but i'm trying.