the discard

i am the discard
no longer of use to you
you throw me to the wayside,
no longer valuable
the discard

my priorites changed
as new life sprung up
had to step back from you
and now i see that i'm
the discard

not available for a time
i had to focus on other things.
no longer worthy
of five minutes of your time
the discard

now i see
that what i saw as friend
was really fickle
i stand outside
the discard

but i know this
you do not define
this person i am
invaluable

this little one
i am her world
and she needs me
irreplacable

Christ in me
nurtures the life in her
my purpose now
fulfilled

this, which was discard
to you is essential
to her and is in her
defined.

As i was driving back to the lake from the city, my husband played for me the first song that he had written with his worship team. i was SO NERVOUS to hear it, afraid of jealousy springing up in me and injuring him. i am very critical sometimes, and i had to stop myself from picking apart the technical aspects. Listening along to the first part, it was really good. and i was enjoying it until one part where they built it up and his voice rang out louder, when i was overcome with emotion. it was incredible, the song that was pouring out of him, a song of worship to the Lord, from the core of him. Aaah! i was tearing up, and i looked over at him. I saw he was on the verge of tears himself, so i told him not to look at me, that it would make him cry, and we shared the briefest, most beautiful moment when our eyes met. when the song finished, i just smiled at him, so proud of him. my love for him grew so much. a few minutes later, i was deep in thought about how i felt about worship, church, etc. and how i need to maybe think about getting involved again. then the phrase "the discard" came into mind, and that's how i was feeling. that i was discarded when i got pregnant and could no longer be used in the church because i was soo sick. and i realize that its just how i felt, not probably how the situation was intended to be. regardless, i just wrote the above diddy off the cuff just now, i wanted to just write and get it done before i forget. i needed to work through the bitterness of rejection [or percieved rejection, more likely], process it, and lay it down. so it's rough, but sometimes rough is better than polished. Our saviour was nailed to the roughest of timbers, splinters digging in to an exposed back and limbs, bleeding. sometimes things need to be raw in order for us to get it. i've learned a lot today.